Undone

I had a really good run on Friday night. I was starting to flag around 4k (interval training still), but decided to keep pushing on to at least 6k. Then I got to 7k, 8k, 9k and thought I might as well carry on!

I am finding it easier mentally with the interval training I think. Because I'm not just running at a constant speed, I almost challenge myself to get through the next faster bit (11.5kph), and then towards the end of a slower bit (10kph), I feel I could do another fast leg... each leg is 4mins, so in 1 and a half legs, I've done another kilometre! It seems to make it a bit more manageable.

So - 10k! My furthest ever so far.

I got home and had dinner, a bit of a strange one - chicken breast, griddled; spaghetti, butternut squash and BBQ sauce... not very inspired!

Anyway, I was over the moon on Saturday morning when I weighed myself and was down to 12st 9lb and feeling really good about things. Still not convinced the Alli has any adverse effect on me though!

We went off to our friends, and I had decided to let myself drink and relax a bit about the whole counting thing. BIG mistake. HUGE.

I did take an Alli when we had BBQ lunch, and they had made sure it was relatively low fat. I had a burger with a slice of light cheese, steak and lots of salad, and a bit of potato salad (with light dressing). No side effects.

Lots of alcohol - 3 pints of Pimms and a large glass of white wine.

Then, we went out for dinner.... I had prawns to start with. Then grilled halloumi and chargrilled veggies (better than fish and chips and the lamb and beef options - there wasn't a chicken option). My resolve failed at dessert and I had the crumble rather than the sorbets. I didn't take an Alli because I didn't want the side effects.

As it turned out - Hubby had whacked his head, had too much sun and drunk as much as I had - all had taken its toll and he ended up in bed with a migraine at 5:00 pm...

Anyway, that day out combined with afternoon tea at Claridges for my mum's belated birthday treat was evidently too much, and I am back up to 12st 13lb this morning.

It just goes to show - I can't let go even for a weekend. I have to stick to this without fail otherwise it's not going to work.

Tonight - gym. I really want to do at least 10k again. If only just to work off the weekend excesses.

Lunch today is 60g Orzo pasta, mushrooms, pepper, tomatoes and baby corn. And half a watermelon for a mid morning and mid afternoon snack.

Dinner tonight - Hubby is away, so I'll just have to see whether or not I can be bothered!

I am sooo cross with myself though. I knew this would happen, but somehow I convinced myself it would be okay to cut loose just for one weekend.

Lesson learnt.

What the hell am I going to do next weekend - we're away at a gorgeous B&B for Hubby's belated birthday treat, with dinner out. I have booked a cab, but I am tempted to drive so I don't drink. It's a fish and seafood restaurant, so at least I can have something relatively low fat.

The hard thing is that Hubby knows my love of food, and he hates seeing me beat myself up or deprive myself. He doesn't encourage me to eat in that sense, but he knows how much I feel like I am missing out when I can't eat what I want to. He wants me to be happy with the size I am, but I can't be until my clothes fit properly and I'm not so restricted in what I can wear or buy.

I don't want to look like someone 10 years older just because of my size and the clothes I have to wear.

I've started putting together an inspiration board - I went through the Next catalogue and have cut out loads of pictures of how I'd like to dress and look good. I need to get some card or something to stick them all on, but it's a start.

I'm just angry that I was doing so well, and I undid all that hard work for the sake of one weekend off. It just wasn't worth it. True, they were obligations that I couldn't have avoided, but that just gave me an excuse to completely let go when I could have exercised a degree of restraint. Most of all I am cross because I knew what the consequences would be and how I would feel, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

I have 2 days til official weigh in morning... must do better!