Scuppered plans and other things

So. Hmm.

Let's start with the scuppered plans.

1. My new Dell laptop was supposed to be delivered today. As I was reliably informed by the robot lady that rang me last week to confirm delivery was to be between 8-1. It wasn't delivered. So I rang the courier. Who told me that they had never received it from Dell (yet not thought to contact me about this update). I then rang Dell, who, after being on hold for a time, told me that their first action would be to ring the courier to ask why it hadn't been delivered. I explained that the courier hadn't received it from them, but oh, never mind. I'll leave them to sort it!
2. I worked out that I need to run 30k a week at least to complete my 1005 target this year. I also made a pact with Hubby to knuckle down for the next few weeks and lose some weight before we go and pile on a load more with our USA holiday. So, I had planned a gym trip for 3 nights this week, and then 2 long ones over the weekend. Yet, here I am, at work, at 6:00 pm waiting to be able to take our VP through some work that I was asked to do first thing (see below).
3. Today I had planned to do some preparation for a meeting tomorrow, and also for my appraisal next week. Instead I got hijacked by the VP (see above) to put together a comprehensive answer to the question of why a competitor was performing so well. It's taken me all day to do and I am now having to wait for some eartime...

I rang the surgery to get my blood test results. Nothing untoward on the thyroid test and the doctor hasn't commented on the other one. I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss, but I know what the answer will be.

I'm going to have to face facts and either get stuck in and do what it takes to get to goal, or accept that I am who I am and I am never going to be able to maintain a lifestyle to enable me to be a normal weight.

The thing is that I am terrified. I know that if someone says to me that it's okay to be the weight that I am as long as I am fit and healthy that I will use that as an excuse to eat whatever I like, and within a very short space of time I will not only be overweight, I will most likely be morbidly obese. I know that my fundamental underlying problem is ultimately greed. And there isn't any cure for that as far as I know.

I don't eat for comfort reasons, or stress reasons - I don't need a reason to eat, I just like food and if there is something in front of me that smells or looks good, I will give myself a reason to eat it.

This is why I force myself to go to the gym and run - I hate it, and there has to be more to life than torturing myself there, but I figure that if I have to sacrifice a couple of hours a few times a week to not have to deprive myself through food, then I'll do it. I think this is why I can't lose weight - because doing the gym AND giving up food, or cutting back at least, is just a step too far for me at the moment.

What I don't get is why I managed to do it when I was at uni - I had a social life, mainly a liquid rather than a food based one, admittedly, and I had a lot more free time to spend at the gym; but it was soooo much easier back then. Now, it's such a monumental effort to shift even just one pound and keep it off.

I'm not going to do the whole it's not fair routine, because it is what it is, and I just have to accept that. I have to accept that I may never have a BMI of 25, I may never be smaller than a UK size 14. What I can't do is accept that, and then just give up all together. I need to be focused, but focused on maintaining where I am and ensure that the pounds don't sneak on.

So - until holiday, I am going to dig in and try and lose weight, and then post holiday I am going to start with losing what I will have put on, and then try and get to a weight where I feel comfortable but not content.

I still feel so very sad though, that I have a load of lovely suits in my wardrobe, and snazzy work dresses that I just can't get into. I want to. I really want to. But not as much as I don't want to enjoy life as much as I can. Yes, I am overweight, but it doesn't stop me doing anything I want to at the moment, apart from getting into a few clothes. And that's just not enough.

Now I need my Biggest Loser hit tonight to get me motivated again.

In other news Hubby has now definitely moved towards the having kids camp. I'm not sure how I feel. I have to get past the whole giving birth thing to embrace it fully. However, I am determined that if we do, I am going to work out all through pregnancy to ensure I don't gain a load of weight, and then post birth, I am going to go power walking with the baby in a pushchair for a couple of hours a day to work off the weight.

I am also hoping that having a baby will give me something else to obsess over than my seemingly endless battle with my weight! Maybe it will change my perspective on life and help me realise that there are more important things than trying to have a BMI of 25. And then, before you know it I'll be massively overweight and won't be able to move. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll discover a strength in me that I don't have at the moment.

Thing is - i've got to nail this before any babies come on the scene - everyone knows that babies don't heal cracks in relationships, especially one with food and exercise!!!