I had a pretty average day at work, but managed to escape to the gym. I really didn't want to go, but knew that I had to. Not wanting to is no longer an option.
I had another inconsistent run. Just when I think I'm starting to crank up the distance, I go in and manage something rather pathetic. I was all ready to give up at 2k yesterday, but I forced myself on to 7k at the very least. I'm not going to make the distance if I don't step it up seriously.
As I'd had a rather rubbish run, I went down to investigate the armbike - it was working, so I set it to half an hour at level 10, and surprised myself by doing it. I even stuck it up to level 12 by the end. The only thing that I got annoyed about was the two teenage skinny minnies in there who didn't realise that I could see them mimicking me in the mirror, and giggling.
I got home and we had a nice Summer dinner - salad, leftover chicken and some homemade bread. I did have full fat dressing though, and lots of bread, so didn't stick to points in the slightest. I've kind of given up on the food side of things.
I settled myself in to the new series of Biggest Loser USA (we're only just getting Season 8 so don't tell me what happens!). It's the first time that I've actually watched it from the first episode and I got to hear all of their stories.
I've freely admitted before to not particularly liking heavily overweight people - not in themselves, but I guess for what they represent to me. I guess I realised last night, and with my eating at the moment, how easy it actually is to get to 300lb, not without realising it, because I believe that these guys know exactly what they're doing when they're eating at that weight, but they just can't stop themselves. I know now, because I know how easy it is for me to fall off the wagon, and if I didn't get back on every day, I could quite easily be weighing in at that sort of weight.
It's so easy to get into that cycle, the lack of self belief, the belief that one more won't hurt whilst knowing all along how much it will hurt.
What amazed me was that when they showed the contestants with their families, a lot of their family members were overweight as well - and I really hope they benefit as a result. It also made me realise that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a thin family (as I do), or a fat family surrounding you - it's all about you.
My family is all slim, so I constantly feel the guilt for being the big, hulking one. I tower over my mother and sister in height, and I am about twice the width. I feel huge next to my brother, even though he has a couple of inches on me. My dad weighs about a stone lighter than I do, despite being over 6ft tall.
However, if they were all bigger than me, then that would sanction my eating, that would make it okay because they were all like that as well.
I don't know which is more dangerous really. What I do know is that each of those contestants felt like they were being given a second chance - but what I don't understand is where is the education, the love, the whatever it is that stops them getting that big in the first place?
Although I live in a constant state of guilt or control, I know at least that I have a point that says enough is enough. That said, in my current frame of mind I am far more likely to say "it doesn't matter" and "I don't care"... but it will always matter and I will always care.
I've completely forgotten what my point was. Oh yes. I guess that watching it, I understood a little more about how people get that big, and while it scared me that it is so apparently easy to get like that, and I hadn't understood.
What I also found interesting was that they all went in there saying that they were doing it for their families, but by the end of the first week, they realised that they were doing it for THEM. That's the important thing. It doesn't matter if your friends/family say that you look great, you don't need to lose weight etc. You have to do it for yourself and your quality of life.
On another note, while my heart went out to Abby who had lost her world because of a drunk driver... I hope she can find another story, a future, and move on from her past.
And well done to Alexandra who got voted out in the first week, but went on to lose 60lb on her own.
Sometimes, all it needs is a little push from someone else to show you how far you can push yourself to get the results that you want, and to have a little self belief.
Now, where can I find £10k to go to that Camp in Montana? I want a Jillian to shout and swear at me.
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