No more excuses.

So. Docs. And blood test results. Nothing wrong. Thyroid fine. Cholesterol ratio perfect. Nada.

I am genetically overweight, and being a healthy weight is always going to be a struggle. The question is, is it worth fighting for?

I know what it's going to take. It terrifies me, and I don't even think I can do it. I don't even know if I WANT to do it. I can't remember what it feels like to even be a stone lighter anymore.

However, as I mentioned yesterday, in my wardrobe I have a load of clothes that can't be worn because they are too small. I hate waste. Hate it with a passion. My current suits are knackered. I've been wearing them every day for the past 3.5 years - that's about 150 wears minimum for each suit. But I don't want to go and buy new ones because I have new ones all lined up and ready to wear, I just need to lose a stone to get into them.

I realised why I always felt deprived when I don't let myself indulge the way others do. It's simple really, but I think it goes back to those early days at Boarding School - the doctor in Malaysia (he was English though) told my mum that I was overweight and had fat cells in my stomach so needed to be on a low fat diet. (Looking back at the photos, I realise now that I wasn't overweight in the slightest, I was just bigger than my siblings).

So - thousands of miles away from home. In a school dining room (beautiful wooden panelling and long tables). A couple of hundred kids around me tucking into a cooked breakfast - fried bread, sausages, bacon etc. Me. I have a couple of slices of toast, and some cereal to eat.

Wednesday evenings, on the way out of supper, we were all given a chocolate bar. Except me.

It's not really a huge surprise that I feel deprived and left out when I can't join in the eating nowadays really. Not rocket science.

So. I have to deal. No more excuses. This is it.

1. More exercise. No letting work get in the way. Leave on time. Go to gym. 5 nights a week if possible. Switch it up. Do a run, but then do something else as well.
2. Less food. Not so much during the week, but over the weekend. No eating out, or if I do, sensible food choices, only one course, don't feel I have to eat it all. Dressings on the side.
3. No alcohol. It is the undoing of me. I drink, I think f*ck it, I'll eat what I like. I get hungover. I eat rubbish to feel better.

My new mantra.

"I am not depriving myself, I am making the right choice. It IS worth it"