Putting my finger on it

I think I've cracked why I'm so miserable at work at the moment.

My new boss is on secondment to cover a maternity leave - it's a promotion for her, but she has to prove herself as a manager else the step up won't be made permanent.

She has lots of ideas for how she wants to develop the role, and the team.

She sees me as lacking in confidence, and believes that if I had more confidence then I would be more ambitious.

I think she thinks that if she can turn me into a candidate for promotion then that will prove herself to be a strong manager and her promotion will be made permanent. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to get that I'm not ambitious and have no designs on being promoted.

She believes that to instil more confidence in me, she wants me to self examine the way I behave and communicate. Unfortunately, her coaching manifests itself as micro managing. And having her wanting to check anything I send out (emails, projects etc.) is actually more damaging to my confidence as I feel that I can't get anything right. I get that she's trying to show me that I have room for improvement, but I am starting to feel like I'm not even very good at the stuff that I thought I was good at. If you know what I mean.

Although we have been friends for a while, I think we are both getting used to the way we work. I know I need to be more co-operative, but I have a stubborn streak that makes me not want to change - in a twisted way, I can't see why I should have to change. But that's what it comes down to in this blue chip corporate world - it's not WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it. And HOW you do it means that people notice you. But I have always resisted the office politics, and I firmly believe in being recognised for the quality of the work you are producing, and this makes me stubborn in not wanting to change who I am, and fundamentally, my belief system of the way the working world should work.

That said, I see people overtake me each year as they do good work, but they also get noticed by the right people. I do good work, but if no one reads it, I don't get noticed for it.

I know she's trying to help, I know she is, but I am really struggling to take the coaching - I've never been good with people teaching me what to do/how to behave.

And then of course, I get home, and Hubby tries to mediate; he understands what she's trying to do because he's a line manager. But that's not what I want. I just want him to tell me I'm good at what I do, and listen to me rant a while. So when he starts coaching me as well, I snap at him and cause a fight.

I am dreading work on a daily basis now - not just because of the amount of work I have to do before I go away in April, but also because of the interactions with my boss.

I have to get over this. I have to. Otherwise I'm just going to end up even more miserable.

And fat. Because I've eaten nearly all the little chocolate tablets that I bought back from Geneva for my office buddies to share. And I have no motivation to go to the gym. And all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch t.v.

One of my friends suggested that I go part time. I sometimes wonder if she lives in the real world. How could I possibly justify going part time when Hubby's job has more responsibility and more stress than mine. And mine isn't stressful all the time - just at the moment. Besides, we need the salary to pay for our holidays - she might not think that the stress is worth it just for a few weeks of holiday a year - but it really is. It's not just the places we go and the adventures that we have - it's the sharing experiences with someone you love, and getting to be with them 24 hours a day for a few weeks. I wouldn't give those up for anything.