Was a bit frustrated last night - all set for another nice easy run so that I could push myself to do the extra distance, but I was struggling around 5k with really tired legs and pushed myself onto to 8k. I came off, and then I started thinking on the way home that maybe I should have pushed myself further to do an extra 2k to make 10 in total. I still don't know if I did the right thing.
In terms of weight loss, I just don't know what weigh in tonight will be. I have lost nearly 2lb on my scales, but last week I skipped lunch and barely drank anything and I don't want to do that this week. I stuck to my points for most of the week, even on Saturday. Sunday I was a bit over, but I've earnt about 26 bonus points, so I should have been okay. I'm not hopeful, but on the plus side I looked back at my tracker, and although the losses have been small since the New Year, I haven't had a single gain yet, so that's positive.
In other news, my dad said of my F'book posting that I shouldn't be sharing my innermost feelings with the world, regardless of whether or not I could trust my friends. Hmm. Anyway, he also said that he thought I was drifting. And maybe focusing too much on my small business plans and my gym targets.
While I appreciate the sentiment, I also know that our parents come from the generation that just accepted the status quo. They had to work to provide. They have frequently said that Nick and I should be putting our money into the house, and not on holidays etc. because they had to scrimp and save when they were our age.
Maybe it's not just a generational thing, but I want more for my life. I don't just want to be an office stooge for someone else. And I'm not sure what he meant anyway because I thought he was supportive of our small business plans, so how do I get them off the ground without focusing on them?! I didn't trust myself to reply, so I wrote a long email to get stuff off my chest but didn't send it. Lesson learnt...
Maybe I am drifting, but I just don't get what my purpose in life is, other than to exist and make the most of what I am and what I have. Hubby asked what I wanted out of life...
It's clear to me, I want a happy marriage, a roof over our heads, nice holidays, our cats and some doggies one day. That's it. And most of that I already have.
Yes, there are other dreams I have, such as building our own New England style home, and owning our own business, but I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that those are far less likely to happen, regardless of how determined I am. There simply isn't the affordable land in this country in the location that we would want (despite our wide search area) to be able to build our own home. The owning our own business I am still working on, but realising that it's never going to earn us the same sort of money that I earn in my current job...
As I came to work today I was thinking that I just want a bit more excitement in our lives - the years are stretching out in a dull way before me and I am finding it depressing. I started to wonder if maybe a complete life change is in order. Maybe this is why people have kids - so that although they're exhausted and cranky and make sacrifices, it means that life isn't boring. I'm still not convinced it's the right thing for us though. I think having a kid would just make me more resentful of the sacrifices we would have to make.
Sorry, bit of a mind dump today. I think I'm going to try and be all Pollyanna next week - you know, silver lining and happy happy. It's just PMT.
3 comments:
I think you should look in other directions first, before the baby-card is considered....'cause you're right...they're 18 years of responsibility...both financially and emotionally.
I think what you may need is to shake things up in the other venues...possibly think about a residence move or change in job. Or a new social outlet...there HAS to be SOMETHING!
Yes, our parents lived to save...I think we'd like to enjoy the hard work NOW as well!
Oh don't worry, I was only kind of kidding about the kids!
Thing is that we can't really move as mortgages being offered at the mo require a significant deposit, which we just don't have access to. Plus, we would have to pay 3% of the purchase price in tax, which again, we don't have.
I didn't really want to move jobs, because that would mean a change in commuting time, and possibly a cut in salary - which means no funding or time for the business.
Basically, home and workwise, we're in a pretty good position. So you're right - maybe a new social thing... which is why we tried the local pub quiz last week.. we shall see how that goes. It's tricky though, as I'm at the gym 3 nights a week, and we're usually away at the weekends, Tuesday night is for shopping and emptying bins, cleaning the house etc. etc. and Thursday is Weight Watchers night...
I used to think that my life had to be "going somewhere" but recently I've realised that drifting for a bit can often lead us into more meaningful things. Focussing on the things that you want to focus on right now, even if they seem frivolous to others, might help you to work out what you really want. I'm a reformed "rat racer", I'm trying to make small, managable changes so I can enjoy what I have now. I hvae my fingers crossed that it works and life starts to feel better. I'll keep you posted!
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