This has not been a good week.
Firstly, food wise - following an unexpected weight loss of 2lb last week, I proceeded to completely undo all that good work on Friday. I have not caught up and am therefore expecting a slight gain this week.
Secondly, Fol Hollow-wise - it's not going well, although I did receive a nice email from my Dad saying that he thought we should stick with it and not give up altogether.
Thirdly, work-wise - this has been a mega busy week. Back to back meetings on Monday, and then an all day intense meeting yesterday. Today I have a busy morning, but came in to discover that no one had downloaded the databases, so all my reports that are due today/tomorrow will be delayed. I have a lot of crappy stuff to do on my To Do list too and I just can't be bothered at the moment.
I mean, what's the ****ing point? All I can see at the moment are endless years stretching out in front of me doing the same old stuff day in day out. Yes, I have holidays and weekends to look forward to, and I am grateful for that... but what is the point of doing the same old shit every day - and it would be the same wherever I worked. I like what I do, I do, I'm just soooo bored of it right now. It's the same daily battles, the daily realisation that this is as good as it gets and that's just downright depressing.
Today I've got a work survey to fill in, and I'm on question 3 and I genuinely don't know how to answer it. I've been here for 3 years and I'm realising I know nothing about the commercial operations of this business. And I realise that I don't really care either. I don't have any extraordinary ideas to drive the business forward. Our GM in the UK has put out a call for people to be extraordinary, and contact him personally with their stories. It's a good initiative, but as one of those people who isn't extraordinary and never will be, it makes me feel worthless and like my job is pointless.
Yes, I can expound on the evils of poorly formatted presentations, and I can teach my team how to analyse data, but fundamentally I don't matter. A monkey could do my job. Well, okay, maybe not, but I'm not a critical person to the success of the business.
The days when I feel like I am making a difference are few and far between now. And I am trapped. Because I can't afford not to work here. I've invested in shares (ironically, if I'd start investing when I first joined, I would be able to cash them in now), and I have 2 more years before I can cash them in. No where else would pay me as much to do what I do. I wouldn't have such a good and easy commute to and from work, that enables me to go to the gym after work.
I sound ungrateful. I am ungrateful. I should be thankful for what I do have and stop dwelling on what I don't. I've just never been the sort of person to kiss goodbye to my dreams and settle. Not without a fight anyway. I just have to accept that this is reality. The big country house and oodles of animals is just not going to happen. Not in this lifetime anyway.
So - what's the point?
3 comments:
The point is:
That keep dream. The only dreams that don't come true are the ones your don't pursue. Yes, they change over time, I mean I wanted to be the first female President of the US, I was never going to get married or have children. And now I find myself, married and a stay at home mother of two beautiful kids.
Dreams change as do you.
Today is a bad day. We all have them. I had bad years... but there is hope. I have made it through them and now I am ready to conquer the world.
As the song says, "Cheer up buttercup!"
Sweetie, you're just having a crappy week.
I can remember not that long ago, you were optimistic about the future...staying with this company for a few more years and then possibly moving on...getting 2 dogs...remember? You're just feeling overwhelmed right now.
You need to realize that sometimes, the only thing that changes is our attitude towards life and things start to look better.
Hang in there!
Jen - thanks for the cheery thoughts. I know plans change, but I just don't know what to change my plan to. For as long as I can remember it's been the same - maybe not in the detail, but in the end goal. Build/design my own home, have dogs and my own business. I just don't know how to get there now.
Kathryn - again, spot on. Although with Hubby getting this job in London, it means that I'll probably be here a lot longer because we don't want his commute to be longer than an hour, and where we are is ideal for that. So that means no moving on, and no doggies.
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