Hello 13stone

I didn't think I'd see you again. At least not so soon. It was only 7 weeks ago that I was thinking I would soon be seeing 12 stone, but once again I let myself lose control and here we are again.

I had hoped that I wouldn't see you at least until Christmas, at the very worst when we returned from 3 weeks touring the South West USA, but here you are again, much earlier than expected.

I wish I could say that it's nice to see you, but it's not. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel. I wish I could say that I didn't deserve to see you, but I probably do.

You'd think, after 12 years of doing this that I would have worked out by now that you always appear when I am doing my best to get away from you. Or, at least, I think I'm doing my best. But who am I fooling? Just myself really. No one else was surprised to see you.

After 4 days of eating pretty much what I wanted, despite the 19.8 miles I ran, I should have known you'd be rearing your oh so heavy head once again.

I don't know why I always convince myself that I am doing the right things when I am clearly not. I don't know why I always cling to the hope that doing the exercise will help me move further away from you, when I don't follow through with the eating.

I wish I knew why this seems so much easier for some people. I wish I knew how I could say goodbye to you forever. It's not like I WANT to see you, but I always seem to gravitate towards you.

I am scared as well now. It's been 3 months since Christmas and I had all the will in the world to see you way behind me, and my heart full of hope for seeing 12 stone and then 11. And yet, here I am again, at your doorstep, and with a holiday imminent, I am scared that I will be saying goodbye to you, but only to say hello to 14 stone, who I really did think I'd said goodbye forever to.

It's a slippery slope. It's all too easy to say "forget about it", to listen to friends and family who tell me I'm fit and healthy, and surely that's what matters? It's all too easy to give into temptation when people tell me I'm looking good. It doesn't matter that the dark voice in my head tells me it's NOT okay. I am not looking good, and while I may be fit, I am really not healthy.

It's all too easy to slip that bag of "skinny" (hah!) popcorn into my lunchbag as I did yesterday. It was all too easy to have Caesar dressing with my crabcakes and vegetables for dinner. And it was all too easy to keep helping myself to cookies and shortbread over the Easter weekend.

So, how do I get away from you again? I need iron-clad self control. I need to steel myself against temptation. I need to resist any urges to eat food that I enjoy and instead make sure I enjoy the food I have to eat to leave you far behind.

Hubby had to submit our weights for our planning helicopter etc. trip and he put me down as 12 stone. I am really hoping that I'm even less than that. But hope is not enough, and all the wishing on clocks I do is not getting me where I need to be.

Goodbye 13stone. I hope I never ever ever see you again, in the nicest possible way.

I need to remember why I am doing this. 13 stone is not acceptable. Not by any stretch of the imagination, and not in any lifetime. Even 12 stone is still overweight. Even 11 stone is still verging on it. 13 is simply not an option.