Oh, just the one...

Yesterday was a bit of a disaster, eating wise.

My lunches, although nutritionally balanced and measured, are just not filling me up and I've been snacking when I get home as a result.

Yesterday I had a boiled egg (I am currently having one a day for easy protein intake), multigrain tortilla wrap with low fat cheese spread and a load of raw veggies (peppers, carrots, courgette and mushrooms). I was still really hungry after I'd eaten. I mean, it didn't even begin to fill me up.

I resisted the urge to run out and get something else though and got through til home time.

When I got home, I had planned to have a light supper before yoga, but wanted to wait until Hubby got home to cook it so that we could at least eat together. Oops. I got the ratatouille veg all prepared and put it in the oven when he got home... and realised that it was already 7:15 so there was no way I would have time to eat anything.

Which was just as well because, while I'd been preparing all these healthy veg, I had been tucking into about 5 shortbread biscuits and 5 Carrs Melts (savoury crackers). So that was my dinner. And when I got back from yoga I was starving and it was really too late to eat anyway.

Today I have ratatouille, orzo pasta and a boiled egg. That's veg, carbs and protein, and I did a big portion of the pasta to tide me over for a gym session tonight.

On that front, I took a nose around our newly refurbed gym. Lots of new machines - the scary ones where you are supposed to use a key. I HATE getting used to new machines, and I once quit a Virgin gym because I couldn't figure out how to use the machines without a key. On the plus side, they haven't got a bit mirrored wall in the main area, and they have got 2 Powerplates. I have heard good things about these, so tonight I am going to go and investigate. There's no Treadclimber though.

In other news, I had my appraisal on Wednesday. Last year (after they had done everyone's appraisals), they told us they were changing the system, so that the grading of employees within a department had to fit into a "Normal" curve. I.e. most people would get the middle grading, and only a few would get into the outliers - so you had to be damned good to get anything more than a "Meets".

This past year has been pretty tough - every one stepped up to the challenge and pushed themselves that bit harder - working longer hours in some cases, or just working hard to get noticed. I did a bit of both, but definitely stepped outside my comfort zone, pushed myself a bit harder than I would do normally, and tried to apply stuff I had learnt in my influencing skills course. As a result, on paper, I would get a "Meets and Exceeds" (we are measured half against objectives, and half against "competencies").

Anyway, I had my session with my manager (who has actually been on maternity leave for most of the year and the manager who was filling in left to go to a competitor company. Her boss also moved into a new role), and it was pretty clear from the outset that she was grading me as a "Meets", despite the rationale that I submitted and evidence and feedback.

On the competencies, which is where I thought I had a really strong case, she said she felt I couldn't be a "meets and exceeds" because I still had development areas - even though there is a grid criteria system and I provided evidence that met the higher grade on most of them against their criteria.

So, all in all, it's a bit shit really. It's the most demotivational system for everyone, and we're being told that we just have to accept the status quo - so where's our motivation for actually trying to get a meets and exceeds when it's a sure fire winner we won't get one?

It's not just about the money either, but it frustrates me that I've worked my arse off this year, and I'll get a crappy <1% pay rise again, and my bonus won't be as good as it could be either (if we actually get one this year).

We also have a recognition process, where every quarter the managers nominate a couple of people in their team for an award. I have never been nominated and doubt I ever will. I am a cog. I don't do amazing creative projects, or even run projects that deliver a return on investment for the company. I just keep the wheels turning, and I know that if I wasn't there, things would fall apart for a while before they found a replacement - but I never get any credit for that. And one of my Insights colleagues did get a nomination and it was for a really weak arse reason about communicating some database changes in an easy to understand way - except it wasn't easy to understand because I had to go back and ask her what she meant so I could pass it on! Besides, if I did get a nomination now it would be because I've been very vocal to my boss and team about the fact that I never get recognised for the work that I do.

Sorry - long rant nearly over - lastly, apparently my job role is going to change again this year. They want me to support my biggest stakeholders less and put more into supporting different departments. Not sure how that's going to work, so we shall see.

All I can say is, I hope I get pregnant and am on maternity leave by the end of the year, because I f*cking hate this system. And if I am trying for a baby, I can't really leave and go to a new company. And I can't really do that anyway, because the market rates for my role appear to have dropped substantially in the past couple of years, so if I did move, I'd have to take a pay cut and I wouldn't be able to have the work/life balance that I currently have.

So, basically, it's put up or shut up.

And now I'm getting deja vu that I wrote a very similar post this time last year.