Missing First(s)...

I don't know if it's the well dramatacised 7 year itch, but lately I have found myself dreaming of, and missing, many firsts.

• First kisses: you know that tantalising moment when you're looking into someone's eyes, eyes darting to their lips, and wondering if this is the moment you'll kiss.
  
  The chemistry between you, and the almost visible tension of the moment.I guess I've been watching a few too many RomComs and reading too much chick lit, but I am starting to miss that intimacy that you only get through a first kiss.
  
  There's the initial tentativeness between the two of you, the inevitable early break off and shy smile before you dive back in and deepen the kiss. When he frames your face with his hands and you lean into him, and then puts is hand on the back of your head as you kiss almost hungrily before being forced to come up for air before you both pass out with that head spinning dizziness.
  
  You can tell I have been analysing too deeply. For me, what embodies that is the kiss between Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds at the end of The Proposal. Incidentally, I heard rumours that they are a couple in real life now. I feel bad for Scarlet Johanson, but I hope so, because there was real chemistry in that film.
  
• First day of term: I used to love the first day of term. I went to a boarding school from 8 years old, and because my parents lived abroad, I didn't see any of my school mates during the holidays, which made first days back at school all the more exciting - what did I miss, who had changed, would anyone notice I had changed?
  
  Palpable excitement filled the dining room at the first meal back in the dining room, everyone scanning the room for the new and undiscovered, and pointing out to their friends what had changed. Giggling. Picking out the boy you fancied and trying to tell if he had noticed you, with your new haircut etc.
  
  Unfortunately I always dreamt of going back to school slim and fanciable, but that never happened. I miss that giddiness though, the sometimes false cheeriness as you could share the newness even with your worst enemy. You were given the excuse to talk to people you might not have been terribly friendly with, as you could compliment them on something new, ask them about their holidays etc. And who knows - make a new friend.
  
  There was also the excitement of seeing who was new - especially at the start of the school year - were there new people in your class? What were the new first years like? Of course, the novelty would soon fade away, but it was probably the one time of year at school that I really felt included by everyone.
  
• My First car: god, I loved that car and all it represented. I was 26 when I passed my driving test on my 3rd attempt. I had recently split with my ex (see below), and within the space of about 2 weeks, I had passed my test and bought my first car - and driven the 100miles or so on my first motorway to Bristol and landed a new job.
  
  My car, my gorgeously bling gold Micra SR Sport, called Stannie, gave me my independence! No more relying on people for lifts, or waiting in the cold for trains and buses, I could actually go to places that didn't have public transport. I also had my first breakdown and my first scrape on that same journey!! But what new confidence it gave me - listening to my mixed tapes and singing along at the top of my voice as I whizzed around everywhere. I was so sad when I had to sell him on when I got a company car.
  
• First day of a new job: Up until this job, I typically used to look to move on every couple of years, in my specialism, it seems to be the only way to move up. Here, I guess I've become settled, and there's actually been enough change to keep time passing well. But I miss the first day on a new job, wondering what your desk will be like, will people like you, will you like people? How will you fit in with the team? Who will be the office eye candy?! Will you make some friends for life? (Unlikely I am finding! Even after 4 years in the job!).
  
  I guess this is more of a grown up first, and one that at least I could possibly have again one day - and many times. Maybe the shine wears off after a time though!
  
  I used to hate first days for other reasons though - I remember when I moved to Bristol, I didn't know anyone down there and was finding my feet geographically as well as emotionally after a break up from a 5 year relationship. I remember feeling that I couldn't leave my desk all day, because I wasn't entirely sure how I had got there in the first place! I didn't know where the toilets were, so by home time I was desperate. Worse still, I stayed late until someone in my team left, because I wasn't entirely sure I could find my way out of the building on my own!! I don't think I even had lunch because no one went to the canteen and I didn't even know if there was one! Hilarious now, but at the time I was petrified!
  
• First time I lost a stone: the joy and elation I felt. I'll never feel that again, because I've since put some of the weight back on - although I'll never be 15stone again (I hope), so maybe it will always be that first stone. I remember feeling so proud of myself though, so focused and determined, and like I'd proved something to myself as well as those around me. Each little "Silver 7" that went on my card was a significant milestone, and a step closer to being happier with who I was, and feeling more comfortable and confident. Luckily it's that prevailing memory that prevents me from getting to 15 stone again.
  
• First Half Marathon: I remember spending most of my time running trying to think of ways I could fake an injury so I didn't have to finish it! As I passed 8 miles I was thinking that that was the furthest I had ever run, and there was no shame in having that as an achievement, and I could stop without feeling bad. But then I hit 9 miles and I thought - this is the FURTHEST I have ever run - me, who has always hated running and been overweight. And I'm not last - there are people slower than me. There are people here older and fatter than me too, and if they can do it, well, so can I.
  
  As the finish line came in sight, I kicked up my pace to a near sprint and crossed the line, absolutely shattered, but so so proud of myself of what I had achieved, and all by myself too - pure will and determination to finish. I also felt nauseous and like I was about to pass out, but let's forget about that!
  
  My parents were so proud of me too, and even now I honestly feel like that is the one moment they really meant it when they said they were proud of me - because I had done something that they couldn't, and that they couldn't even imagine doing either. I actually miss that feeling a hell of a lot, and although I don't think I'll ever get back to that distance again, I'm not ruling out ever doing another one again. I'd love to do one in the States somewhere - make a holiday of it! Maybe one day. Maybe when the kids are old enough to cheer me on!
  
• Going to America for the First time: I had spent most of my formative years travelling the world with my parents, but America was always elusive. Its culture pervaded my consciousness though, as being in Malaysia I was exposed to American t.v. - the first t.v. I had really ever watched as we didn't have one in the Falklands. I didn't watch a huge amount, but I was left thinking that America was this amazing place of space and opportunities.
  
  When I started learning geography and I learnt about places like Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, The mountains, the deserts,endless rivers etc. it made me feel like America was the one country that had everything in it.
  
  I dreamed of growing up like Little House on the Prairie, or Anne of Green Gables. Somewhere where I could run free, ride wild ponies, forge rivers and run laughing through meadows before returning home to a house with a white picket fence, verandah, a screen door and a swing set on the porch.
  
  My first visit there was nothing like that. After the aforementioned break up, I took the money I made from the sale of our house, and I paid for my 3 best friends and I to go to New York for a long weekend. I loved it, althoguh my friends didn't share my enthusiasm and were embarrassed by my insistence on reading every shop sign, every street name and gazing in wonderment at the sky high buildings that dwarfed me - but instead of feeling small and scared, I felt empowered and so happy I had finally gone there.
  
  I still dream of living Stateside one day - a home in New England with a white picket fence etc., but for the meantime, I'll take the holidays that are more like adventures, and that are all the more special because of the planning and dreaming that my husband and I put into them. And they never fail to live up to and exceed our expectations. I love America. Always will.

I guess though, I have more "Firsts" to look forward to:

• Having my first child - a friend of mine recently had her first, and says that going through childbirth made her realise she had strength she didn't know she had - I'm terrified of the actual birth part, so I am using that to focus on and hoping that becoming a mom makes me realise power and strength within me that I don't feel at the moment.
  
• Visiting my parents in their new home in France for the first time.Being a godmother for the first time - I have no idea what to expect, and I'll probably mess it up, but I'll try to make it fun!
  
• Having my first Boston Terrier - it's still an if at this stage, but I want to make it a when!
  
• Owning our first home in the countryside - we're working on it!

There is one "Seconds" I really like as well...
Of food!!!

Have a good weekend everyone!